He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
