i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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