The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
