Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
