I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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