Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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