im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
