I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
