Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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