I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
