There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
