yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
