You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
