just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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