1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
