Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
