im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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