we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
