yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
