you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
