Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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