Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize