By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
A+ Viking dick
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
