While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
