my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
