dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
