Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
