hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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