I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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