rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
