And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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