I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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