I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
