I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
