I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
