I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
