i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
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After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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