Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
