Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
this hospital has no fireball
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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