Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high