In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
