I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?