My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!