Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.