Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His hands were made for my vagina.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.