So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem