In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone