I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
