he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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