OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
your room smells of hookers.
And success
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
