My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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