I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
