well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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