Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
