I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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