Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
