I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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