I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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