dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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