I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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