Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
